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| old picture - my friend sent me an old picture of a group of friends that we used to hang out with a long time ago during middle school, and it was classic. we definitely were the dorks of middle school which were sandwiched in between the jocks and the fobs. these were the same group of guys i would spend weekends with just hanging out and playing video games. a part of me misses the camaraderie but another part of me is glad that i have learned to move on and let go like they have of me.
it kind of sucks that i cannot find it in myself to make ammends with these guys but its practically useless. i have always been different and hard to cope with as a friend. unless people have an instant connection with me and have the patience to put up with me then it usually works out. but even in that little group of guys, i was still deemed the uncool one. the prude, i guess you could say. i just had my own way of doing things and i had my own standards that i had to follow for myself.
those guys sure gave me some lasting memories though. memories that are still vivid in my mind to this day. it makes me long for those simpler times. its a cliche to refer to the past as simple, but yet the grass is always greener on the other side. i couldnt wait to grow up and be old, but now i long to be young and carefree once again too. | | |
| for all of my life - so i decided to come back to xanga to just write a random entry. i have not written in here since 2004 and its already 2006. i have been unable to fall asleep tonight for some unknown reason. i am troubled with so many emotions and i cannot seem to control them. it sucks how it is so hard to talk about certain things in life even though it would be essential to get it out there to help ease your own soul and emotions. i find myself so uncertain and so unsure about this new year that it is beginning to frustrate me to the point of a real nervous breakdown. i have not yet come to terms with such a possibility but i hate mentioning the notion that that might happen because people never take me seriously enough to be worthy of notice. it always seems to be a cry for help or attention. or maybe it is because people think i am level headed enough to conquer my own demons. unfortunately that is not the truth.
i have spent all of my life worried about how my physical appearance affects other people's judgement about me. i know it is not important to be worried about such a trivial circumstance, but it does hurt to know that people can be judgemental enough to judge you based on your physical features. i have literally been fighting with this identity crisis since i was in middle school where i used to hate gym class because of the simple fact of getting undressed in front of the other guys. i would be the kid in the corner quick to change in "bing-bang thank you ma'am" kind of fashion. i never had the body of an adonis but i always admired it and wished that i could achieve such a spectacle.
i have always been a chubby, insecure kid. in high school, i grew up and the weight seemed to have shed along with the increase in height. i was not a buff kid and i was not a skinny kid. but i was socially acceptable in the eyes of those who i find out now to be people who do not really matter in my life anymore. no matter what physical change i went through though, i have always been riddled with comments about how i was not perfect which just fed to my insecurities some more. as a senior, i gained enough confidence in myself to walk with a stride worthy of envy. people thought i just brushed off any brash comments that would come my way, but in actuality i was letting it store in my mind as it slowly rotted away my confidence. and for the longest time that is what it was doing.
i have always had people tell me that i am too chubby or that i am too dark-skinned. is that honestly shit that i can control? maybe i can, but should it matter to anybody else if it does not matter to me. i find that ironic that i do not really give a damn about how i look until somebody else does. but why should they care if initially i do not care as well? it has been years since i have been fighting these unwanted demons in my head. i would love to say that i am not mentally disturbed but what are the symptoms that would categorize such a state of mind?
i am always surrounded by "beautiful" images and i have yet to find a muse to show me what inner beauty really is. there is much pressure out there to be thin that it has lead me extreme measures at certain points in my life. i have gone through anorexia at a certain time in my life. i never really went days without eating, but there would be some. i have not even mentally trained myself to not eat, but there are days where i just will not eat. when i turn on the television there are "beautiful" people. it just hurts my brain to see these images and testimonial telling me that bulge on my stomach is unsightly and something not worth getting to know.
these insecurities have definitely affected my social life or lack thereof. i go out wanting to not think that how i look will be the topic of the evening, but there are times where it gets there and i just laugh it off with everyone else when inside i just want to get away. i do not think i am fat, but i will be the first to admit that i am nowhere near close to being on a fitness magazine. it should not bother me, but it does because other people seem to be more infatuated about my weight or how i look than i am.
i wonder so many nights about this. i cry. not because i am sad. but because i am frustrated. i cannot get over this burden i put upon myself, and it is not easy for me to just let it go. i have established my method of getting over how i look by joking about it too. there are times i want the jokes to stop but it is not me to tell somebody to shut their mouths when it comes to their own opinions. people have a right to say what they want. i just wish i was comfortable in myself enough to just be like "cool that is your opinion. but unfortunately for you i have to disagree, because i feel fine just the way i am" without being contradictory or anything like that.
xanga updates - the layout is still the same. i added a new song to the background. it is a beautiful song that my boyfriend introduced to me around our first year in our relationship together. i guess some pinoy group sang it too and it is a real cute acoustic version of it. since i have easy access to all this pinoy music, i will not be sheisty with it and probably change it up here and there if i feel like it.
i guess the only reason i started updating this again was because i always loved the option of being able to put background music onto your page. i guess it can help set the tone and mood of the journal as well. and plus it is just a neat way to show off that you have good taste in music. back in the day i used to steal so many songs off of xanga and put into my playlist and claim it to be my own. yeah i know, i am a bad boy. spank me. | | |
| on the loop - the whole store is coming in at 8 am this morning to have ourselves a meeting with the la jolla store and have ourselves a fashion show to preview some of the new fall courture. i cant believe im awake this early in the morning especially after being up for half the night just not being able to go to sleep yet. the meeting is two hours long, then im back on the sales floor later on in the afternoon and closing for the evening.
dead or alive - im going back to school this year. im so happy about that. im ready for this and im really going to try and take adavantage of this precious opportunity. its going to be a challenging year this year, but its a challenge that will ultimately prove my worth in this world. so hopefully the old me is dead, and a new me comes alive ready to pursue a successful future.
i begin to wonder - ive wanted to come back to visit kearny but i have no idea how their schedule works now since everything is all fucked up at that place. the place was fucked up to begin with and now greedy ass people got to fuck it up even more. that school is a fucking prison, your ass got to get out of there as soon as possible before it literally fucks you up. | | |
| Special Guest Appearance - i saw Amy yesterday at the mall. aww it was awesome to see her again. i wish that i could have hung out with her but i had work. oh well. maybe next time. off to work now. bye bye. | | |
| Retail Is A Bitch - but bitches are fun. and work is very fun. i love doing what i do because i do it well. i get to dress up and help other people get dressed up too. the first week is over with, and now im bombarded with ample hours for next week. its going to be a beneficial week for me. i cant wait. | | |
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